We’ve all been there, wanting to light a candle for whatever reason- to set the mood, to conserve electricity, to use as the centrepiece at a seance so you can communicate with your great aunt Ruth who mysteriously died of lead poisoning... but you encounter a huge roadblock- the freaking wick is too far down to light with a match or a lighter.
So what do you do? Call 9-9-9 like it’s your personal self-help line?
Giving up is sooo 2017.
Here’s a list of ten fun ways to light that candle without a lighter. All you need is fire and a “can-do” attitude. This is the part where I should mention- don’t try these at home. Or do, who cares? We’re having fun.
- Find a piece of paper, preferably an old love letter from an ex. Roll it up and light one end on fire while casting a spell. Stick the lit end into the candle. Now, if you are not a real witch, call one up and ask her for the spell where he breaks out in warts. Mission accomplished- the candle is lit AND you’re a crazy person
- Get your hands on a box of uncooked spaghetti, but make sure to avoid store brand. If possible, fly to Italy and get your hands on the nicest pasta money can buy. Make sure you light the spaghetti on fire when it’s dry and stick it into the candle wick. Make sure not to light the spaghetti on fire when it’s wet, it’s a rookie mistake. Note: you can not light a candle with a meatball, trust me on this one I already tried.
- Get invited to an outside party. This one is tricky because you have to have friends. Once invited, throw the entire candle into the bon-fire, it will definitely burn.
- Ask the candle to light on fire nicely, remember to say words like “Please” and “Thank you.” It’s amazing what happens when you’re polite.
- Build a Shrink Ray and use it to zap your body into 1/100th of the size it normally is. This is not about body shaming, this is about being small enough to crawl into the candle and light it yourself. If you can’t build a shrink ray because they’re more complicated to put together than an IKEA bed frame, catch a small woodland fairy instead and have her do all the dirty work
- Find a time machine, go back in time and kidnap a caveman. Bring him back to your place during the present time and tell him to invent fire inside the candle. After he accomplishes it say something like “Lighting a candle- so easy a caveman can do it.” He won’t know it because cavemen are slow and dense, but that is a really funny thing to say
- Manifest the candle to light. I’m a huge believer in the power of intention. Find a mantra that works for you and say it over and over and over from the safety of your car. The next time you drive to the gas station repeat this “I am a fire starter. I can light any candle in the world. I’ve never met a candle I could not light. Candles light on fire as soon as I walk past them.”
- Put an ad out for a magician in your local classifieds, you can usually hire one for a pony (urban slang for £25 crisp ones), or free in exchange for possible exposure. Invite your closest friends and have a magic show in your backyard. The finale, you ask? The magician lights the candle on fire without the use of a lighter or match. Oh wow, how did he do that? A good magician never reveals their secrets.
- Get a motherfuckin dragon, and then command it to light not only the candle on fire, but all of your enemies. This feels like a safe place to say you should never trust someone who hates Game of Thrones.
- When all else fails, there’s the proven method my grandma taught me and it always works. Stick that candle in the microwave. I know a lot of people are against microwaves because they think they have negative side effects- but if you’re like me, a busy city girl on the run from her problems, then you and I both know the best thing to do is nuke it and put that thing in there and run. Eventually, it will catch on fire and maybe it’ll burn it all down in the process.
And, there it is, ten completely easy and normal ways to light a candle without a lighter. If for some strange reason none of these methods worked for you, don’t give up. You could also use a standard lighting implement like a long match or a long lighter. Honestly, now that I think about it, those would probably the easiest solutions.
Can you add to our list? drop your suggestion in the comments section below!
About the author:
Lauren Reeves is a Los Angeles based comedy writer for TV and award shows. You can currently watch her in the Netflix Special 'Act Happy' and she has a book coming out in October that you can pre-order here:...And Then You Die of Dysentery: Lessons in Adulting from the Oregon Trail